A life unloved, misunderstood

No one’s life is perfect. There will always be an aspect where we are unloved. Mine started before I was born. Unwanted, yet still born into this world underweight and a problem or two.

Still... life goes on, and I’m now an adult. My way there had its problems like most people. Problems through childhood and adolescence were numerable. My problem was this... I was always misunderstood.

I grew up in a family where grades in school, were the only thing on my parents mind. They worked hard to make a living, provided a roof over my head and food to eat, yet they missed an important necessity, communication.

I grew up, through my childhood, with only one thing taught, school. Memorising the things taught in school was all I was ever taught. However... there was an aspect I could not be taught that was vital to me, communication.

My parents working most of the time, left little time to talk with me, except for how were my grades. I grew up through childhood quite lonely, always misunderstood. My parents would often make jokes about me unable to speak in my native language, further fuelling rage into the picture, I still to this day, am not fluent in speaking my native language.

I grew up in school without many friends, always sitting in the corner alone, eating my lunch. Unable to speak to those around me, unable to communicate, I grew up lonely as a child.

My primary school years were with no one I could really call a friend. My first year of high school was pretty much the same although, through my adolescence and rebellion to my parents, gained me a friend or two. I now had my own personality, something I liked, something to talk about.

By year nine I had gained a best friend, who would always make time at high school pass by without a hitch. By the end of high school I had many friends. Still... something was still missing.

I’ve never felt intimate love from another. I continued life as instructed, continued to be unloved and misunderstood. It was only about 9 months ago that I had met this girl who would fill this missing hole in my heart, I've so longed for in my life.

This girl is special to me. She filled the hole in my heart that was full of loneliness. She gave me courage to speak, courage to live.

All my life, I’ve been misunderstood... but this girl sees the truth in me. A pain I’ve held for so long vanished, with one look into her beautiful eyes, I've always longed for.

I can tell her everything about me, and she’ll always listen. I lived a life unloved, misunderstood, but not anymore. Since the day I met her she’s been an angel to me, who understands me.

She has a way with words

There exists a girl, who always manages to make me tell her my secrets. This blog’s existence has already been leaked to her, she even knows the URL. It only took her a little while to find out.

I think to myself, how does she do it? Does she have esper powers, the ability to read my mind? It could be I can’t hide a secret. She has a canning ability to read me, from my habits and expressions. It’s quite scary, yet at the same time, I hope she can tell how much I love her.

She still amazes me to this day. She has a way with words.

She’s the type of girl you want to show off to. Spoil her in every way. I know for a fact I try to. She makes me want to. She’s that awesome. She deserves every bit, If only I could give her more.

Her words cut me down like a hot knife through butter, making me feel guilty for whenever I wrong her, quickly prompting me to apologise. She quickly forgives me for my foolishness.

I sit here wondering what to type, wondering what to tell her. She makes me think about her all the time. Then it hits me as I talk to her over instant messaging, literally...

She comforts me in a way that soothes my heart. She tells me the things I want to hear. She tells me the things I need to hear, even if I don’t want to. She says it the way she wants to. Just the way I want it to be.

I tell her everything on my mind. From how much I love her, to how cute she is, or what I think about something. It may hurt her at times, she may take it the wrong way, but I know she knows I never intend to.

When you meet someone like this that takes your every word into consideration and replies with words that inspire you, it makes you tell her your secrets.

I've told her many times, yet it's still a secret, she's "the cutest and most beautiful girl in the world to me".

She has a way with words that I love.

A simple gift

And so this blog begins...

Starting on a simple text file I’ve placed on my desktop, so that I won't forget what I intended to write earlier. So an idea came to mind while thinking about this special someone. I then slept in some more, being so cold in the morning at the time of writing this and so just now I start writing.

This blog will be a gift to my future wife. She will not see it or know of its existence. From now from just being her boyfriend to engagement, all the way through up to the special day, I will write in this blog that I will make and this post will be the first entry.

I know I’m not the best writer... but I hope that she'll enjoy this as beautiful wedding gift, of my feelings and emotions for her.

I thought about writing a quick recap about how we met here but I’ll leave it for another post. So that my small mind will somehow envelope with ways of expressing it in ways that I can’t explain right now, yet with the start of this blog I can start thinking about it.

My words are simple yet have a plethora of emotions behind it, most of which are lost in the thought processes of my mind and the fact that I forget half of the words I wish to say.

To end this first post, there are a few words I must say. These words I’ve told her hundreds of times, soon to be thousands. Yet these words cannot be overlooked by the sheer quantity of them. For they have been said in hundreds of different contexts, each one with a subtle varying meaning behind it. Through happiness and sadness, confusion and anger, each one meant something different, yet all mean the same.

And in the end it always means “I love you”.

- 12/07/2011