Happy 9 months being with you, so far

Well... it’s almost 2 o’clock at night and after just writing a post, I’m writing this one, another one. This one post, I will let her read and I hope she doesn’t venture off and read the others. You better not!

Now... every month I try doing something special for this girl of mine. Just to say, how much she means to me as the months go by. I myself am surprised that I keep managing to find things to do for her. 9 months ago, I would have never imagined a relationship that would have lasted this long.

Well... cats have 9 lives and I know how much you hate cats. If for every month a piece of our relationship amounted to a cat’s life, and that life is lost each time... then that would mean that our relationship is over. But if I see you today it would mean that you don’t view me as one and it was meant to be. I hope so. To be honest, this is just me being random and adding cats for some laughs, and to tease.

Our relationship is not transparent and means something, it means more than everything to me. I love you, and I continue to love you to this day, and will always love you.

Arguments in relationships are quite normal, heck a lot of them are because of rather silly things. That are taken for granted, that would not occur if they were someone else. That reason, despite the hurt from an argument, means that they’re taking advantage of the ability to talk to you. That... means a lot. That means I love you. Of course that doesn’t mean I ever intend to hurt you either. Far from it that I would want to hurt the one I love, for it only hurts myself as well.

9 months have passed. I love you and I can’t wait to reflect back on the next month ahead, as time passes by, so quickly, as I enjoy being with you. There’s not a moment I stop thinking about you.

I can’t wait to see you today. Happy 9 months Babe. Happy 9 months being with you, so far... and still... and always.

Oh yeah... you’re so cute <3

I suddenly realise I only reviewed some of the silly stuff, and in turn, I write some more... off into the lonely night ahead, awaiting the morning when I see you, hopefully.

This month was an amazing month. Now... what’s the difference you ask? It’s been an amazing time seeing you a lot more often this month. We’ve been able to do lots of talking, about random things to topics of interest. Doing stuff together and having lots of fun. We went out heaps for dinner. We did a lot of planning and shopping. This month was definitely more hectic than I expected, and it’s been a fun one.

Now you may ask... why am I being so vague about what we did? It could be that I am conveniently hiding the fact that I forgot what we did. Maybe... just maybe... you’re right.

Fortunately you’re not. I’m thinking about all the things we did together this month while writing it like that on purpose. Yes... A very convenient excuse isn’t it. It’s to prevent the possibility of some crazy person tracking us down or just simply for privacy. In which I conceal as much personal information as possible, being vague in my posts.

Anyhow, I must be getting some sleep soon, I should be fine, don’t worry. I know you’re sound asleep right now, and you’re looking incredibly cute right now, as you do when you’re peacefully sound asleep(despite the fact, technically I can’t visually see at the moment).

I love you babe, and still... and always.

The truth will set you free

A relationship should be free from lies and secrets, especially those that may affect it. What goes through a person’s mind when they lie? Why do they need to hide such secrets? The answer lies within their motive.

There are two kinds of people. The ones who like to live a lie, and those afraid of the truth.

Let’s begin with the ones who like to lie... Why do they lie? Is it because they simply like to make fools out of people for the fun of it? Possibly... or do they live in denial?

Then there are those who are afraid. What are they afraid of? Is it because the truth hurts? Possibly... or do they fear hurting the one they love most?

Well... to those who like to live a lie, why are you still in a relationship? Why are you hurting the people you touch, hurting yourself, making a fool out of yourself, wasting your time, wasting your partners time, adding misery to those around you and without a care in the world? Well you’re in for a surprise... your life sucks. It’s marked by desperation, despair and loneliness. You make your own life terrible.

Well... there’s good news for you. Stop wasting your time, wasting others, you’ll soon realise... that the lie was your adversary, to really... enjoy life.

Truth... it’s something that always hurts. We are told lies from the moment we are born. To hear the truth... challenges the lies that we are told. No wonder... the truth is hard to hear. No wonder... people are afraid of the truth. Yet to those who are afraid... they do not realise that the truth will set them free. Still... you are hurting yourself, and the one you love. You’re holding that piece of information that makes you lose sleep, if your partner finds out they too lose sleep, wondering... You need to let go of it, and tell the truth. If you don’t your relationship may suffer as a result.

Unfortunately... there may be a downside to the truth behind your lie and secret, it may truly, really hurt. You may just lose the one you love the most. Yet... if you truly love them, you would go as far to tell the truth, to hurt yourself temporarily, to hurt your partner, to re-gain the trust of your loved one, even if you lose them. Even if you do, you’ll still have a good friend, someone who will look out for you and always be there for help in times of need. Yet... there’s hope. Time passes by... and love might spark again.

Fortunately... there’s a chance... that such a lie, such a secret, your partner... really just wants you to tell them the truth... that it doesn’t matter, that they’ll help, that they want to remove your anxieties, because they love you so much. They want to help you, in order to make the relationship grow deeper than ever.

The truth does indeed hurt. Yet, it’s already been forgotten. Yet it doesn't change the fact that I love you, that I’ll be with you with you for countless years to come.

As if writing in vain

I sit here, not knowing what to write... a pain in my chest stops me from doing so... I look at the words on the screen as I type them up, yet they are unclear.

I start to write with whatever comes to mind, my emotions continue to swell. I look at the time, slowly passing by...

It hurts to hurt someone you love, especially when you continue to hurt them, hurts more when you can’t avoid it at times. You feel as if it’s not meant to be, that you’re not good enough for them, that it wasn’t meant to be...

I can’t help but have mixed feelings...

When I hurt the one I love, it’s feels like I’m the source of her pain, and I just wish to disappear. Fade away, as if nothing had happened...

Yet deep inside, I wish for her to come back to me, to tell me it’s alright. That she forgives me, for what wrong I’ve done to her.

Yet when it comes time to fix things, the only thing that comes to mind is pain. Irrational conversations occur and things only get worse. Things said that aren’t meant, and yet it’s so hard to avoid it. Silence occurs... the worst thing you could do. It’s better to fight than not at all, yet... it’s the conclusion you make when it seems like anything you say hurts them anyway.

It’s a vicious cycle. One I want to break.

I sit here... with an irrational mind set not knowing what to do. I really wish I could disappear. This pain I’m feeling...

I sit here writing, not knowing what to write, hesitant to write... yet writing still... confused...

Still... I miss her...

A life unloved, misunderstood

No one’s life is perfect. There will always be an aspect where we are unloved. Mine started before I was born. Unwanted, yet still born into this world underweight and a problem or two.

Still... life goes on, and I’m now an adult. My way there had its problems like most people. Problems through childhood and adolescence were numerable. My problem was this... I was always misunderstood.

I grew up in a family where grades in school, were the only thing on my parents mind. They worked hard to make a living, provided a roof over my head and food to eat, yet they missed an important necessity, communication.

I grew up, through my childhood, with only one thing taught, school. Memorising the things taught in school was all I was ever taught. However... there was an aspect I could not be taught that was vital to me, communication.

My parents working most of the time, left little time to talk with me, except for how were my grades. I grew up through childhood quite lonely, always misunderstood. My parents would often make jokes about me unable to speak in my native language, further fuelling rage into the picture, I still to this day, am not fluent in speaking my native language.

I grew up in school without many friends, always sitting in the corner alone, eating my lunch. Unable to speak to those around me, unable to communicate, I grew up lonely as a child.

My primary school years were with no one I could really call a friend. My first year of high school was pretty much the same although, through my adolescence and rebellion to my parents, gained me a friend or two. I now had my own personality, something I liked, something to talk about.

By year nine I had gained a best friend, who would always make time at high school pass by without a hitch. By the end of high school I had many friends. Still... something was still missing.

I’ve never felt intimate love from another. I continued life as instructed, continued to be unloved and misunderstood. It was only about 9 months ago that I had met this girl who would fill this missing hole in my heart, I've so longed for in my life.

This girl is special to me. She filled the hole in my heart that was full of loneliness. She gave me courage to speak, courage to live.

All my life, I’ve been misunderstood... but this girl sees the truth in me. A pain I’ve held for so long vanished, with one look into her beautiful eyes, I've always longed for.

I can tell her everything about me, and she’ll always listen. I lived a life unloved, misunderstood, but not anymore. Since the day I met her she’s been an angel to me, who understands me.

She has a way with words

There exists a girl, who always manages to make me tell her my secrets. This blog’s existence has already been leaked to her, she even knows the URL. It only took her a little while to find out.

I think to myself, how does she do it? Does she have esper powers, the ability to read my mind? It could be I can’t hide a secret. She has a canning ability to read me, from my habits and expressions. It’s quite scary, yet at the same time, I hope she can tell how much I love her.

She still amazes me to this day. She has a way with words.

She’s the type of girl you want to show off to. Spoil her in every way. I know for a fact I try to. She makes me want to. She’s that awesome. She deserves every bit, If only I could give her more.

Her words cut me down like a hot knife through butter, making me feel guilty for whenever I wrong her, quickly prompting me to apologise. She quickly forgives me for my foolishness.

I sit here wondering what to type, wondering what to tell her. She makes me think about her all the time. Then it hits me as I talk to her over instant messaging, literally...

She comforts me in a way that soothes my heart. She tells me the things I want to hear. She tells me the things I need to hear, even if I don’t want to. She says it the way she wants to. Just the way I want it to be.

I tell her everything on my mind. From how much I love her, to how cute she is, or what I think about something. It may hurt her at times, she may take it the wrong way, but I know she knows I never intend to.

When you meet someone like this that takes your every word into consideration and replies with words that inspire you, it makes you tell her your secrets.

I've told her many times, yet it's still a secret, she's "the cutest and most beautiful girl in the world to me".

She has a way with words that I love.

A simple gift

And so this blog begins...

Starting on a simple text file I’ve placed on my desktop, so that I won't forget what I intended to write earlier. So an idea came to mind while thinking about this special someone. I then slept in some more, being so cold in the morning at the time of writing this and so just now I start writing.

This blog will be a gift to my future wife. She will not see it or know of its existence. From now from just being her boyfriend to engagement, all the way through up to the special day, I will write in this blog that I will make and this post will be the first entry.

I know I’m not the best writer... but I hope that she'll enjoy this as beautiful wedding gift, of my feelings and emotions for her.

I thought about writing a quick recap about how we met here but I’ll leave it for another post. So that my small mind will somehow envelope with ways of expressing it in ways that I can’t explain right now, yet with the start of this blog I can start thinking about it.

My words are simple yet have a plethora of emotions behind it, most of which are lost in the thought processes of my mind and the fact that I forget half of the words I wish to say.

To end this first post, there are a few words I must say. These words I’ve told her hundreds of times, soon to be thousands. Yet these words cannot be overlooked by the sheer quantity of them. For they have been said in hundreds of different contexts, each one with a subtle varying meaning behind it. Through happiness and sadness, confusion and anger, each one meant something different, yet all mean the same.

And in the end it always means “I love you”.

- 12/07/2011